Perfection

I started to write this entry and fast got bored with it, put it on pause and watched Youth in Revolt. There has never been a more perfect movie made about the crazy things a person does for love and how stupid those things usually are in retrospect but how justified they are when its the right person.

But it got me wondering about the couple girls I've fallen in love with in my days. You see, when I look back on the year I spent with Kati I never really loved her. I tried to and I wanted to and I did such a stellar job of convincing myself that when she cheated on me it screwed me all up. But I wasn't. I never completely opened up to her. I wasn't myself with her. I wouldn't let the defenses down for her. Most valuable lesson learned was when things fell apart and I kept calling, tried to maintain a friendship aspect, tried to cling to something, anything. I felt like I needed her. Thinking on it now raises the bile in my throat, it reaks of weakness. If this same situation was to play itself out today all ties would be severed. The guy that she chose over me had nothing on me so I chaulk it up to her being an idiot. And my superiority complex spits on the floor in disgust.

Kathy was a surprise and the scenario played itself out more like it should have. Worst thing I ever did to another human being was cheat with her on a close friend of mine. They were a doomed relationship from the start and she eventually realized she'd be happier with me so he got elbowed out. I was just being selfish because I loved the attention I received from her. I tried to convince myself she was the right one, she knew better. When she chose her current husband over me it was because she knew we wouldn't work together. I was convinced otherwise but now I cross myself every time I think about what would've happened had we ended up together. It would've been a disaster. Her husband is a good guy and they are a great couple with two beautiful kids now. Good for her. We would've been miserable together. Instead, we remain friends.

I like to think that as I get older I get closer to realizing what love really feels like. I do believe Christian is the closest I've come. But as of now I'll admit that I don't know if I can truly love somebody. I'd be more apt to say that I probably have the capacity of loving her. She remains the one person I have spent significant time with that I've never found something I dislike about her. This is a herculean accomplishment as something usually presents itself within a few minutes of conversation. Beautiful, intelligent, witty, funny, responsible and a little crazy. Everything I could possibly want. Chemistry from the first encounter. Since we met nearly three years ago I have been back for many visits and have cherished every second and she knows this. Only significant challenge here is geographic, which is paltry.

So questions arise. If I really loved her, would I be so hesitant about trying to overcome this single paltry challenge? Wouldn't there have been some kind of conversation about feelings by now? Do I reserve all this attention on her because she is remote as a bit of self-sabotage?

Am I a retard?

(Psssssssst! Answer: Probably.)

"I'm right on the edge. I don't know what happens next."

Corner of tub 3.3.10

I don't know what the hell happened when Iwas in New York but I'm suspecting that my roomate's rubber ducky has been banging. Early January, 1 ducky. Early March, 6 duckies. I can't figure out for the life of me why two of them are dressed as commandos. Ed Norton's immortal words come to mind: "I'm a 30-year old boy."

Today is merry movie marathon day. Title quote comes from Life Aquatic, one of my all-time faves. Now up Juno. I'm a huge fan of wacky writing and great soundtracks. After Juno, Orange County. If I last, Fight Club again. One word comes to mind - gloriousness.

I might have set a record over the course of the past two days for cookie dough consumption. I would wager somewhere in the vacinity of 7.5 - 10 million calories worth. Whatever possessed me to buy the world's largest log of cookie dough will forever remain a mystery but I soldiered through it. Back to the gym tomorrow, feeling guilty. Friend says that my voice pops into her head often and one of the things I say is "Gluttonous". The hypocrisy is scandalous.

Between the ducky mystery, the choco chip cookie dough log, hours of tv and movies and tens of thousands of rounds fired off in the Entropia Universe, nuthin' doing. Calls and texts to friends to try to drum up work have all gone for not so far. So's I dig in, tighten my chin strap, pile up the dvds and prepare for a long cold winter on the front lines of boredom.

Chin, Chin!