On the eve of 2010 I'm sitting down the street from my new, very unfamiliar, place, enjoying a vanilla something or other, surfing the web compliments of a Coffee Bean. I hate being without the interweb at my beckon call. Three weeks to kill until work in New York begins and thanks to the holidays there is absolutely nothing going on so the three weeks will be killed with a big stack of unwatched movies, a big stack of unread books and a big stack of unwatched television shows. Looks like I'll finally get through the entirety of Twin Peaks.
Workout routine is going excellently and sleep has been plentiful and fitful, but at really odd hours. Somehow I seem to have gotten on east coast time already andsleep from 9pm to 3am every day. So weird. Last night I got on the treadmill for the first time since December 27th. On that miserable day I cramped up at thetwo mile mark and the final mile was excrutiating. Last night, four miles without breathing hard. Seems like the air is way better in Toluca Lake than in Northridge.
Sitting at a sidewalk table, surfing the net and people watching is good practice for New York. Its one of the things I miss most about the city. Normally there would be a friend sitting across the table to shoot the breeze with but they've all beeen left behind, doing their own things, minding the fort until I return for visits. Holding it down. Just had to jump off facebook because a girl I went to high school withwho's been stalking me ever since just started messaging me. Oh me, oh my, I graduated high school 15 years ago. Got to admire that kind of persistence. Apparently she lives in San Diego now and was all "You're so close! We should hang out!" Nope. I'm a big fan of kind-of-crazy, it keeps conversation interesting and thingsnever get boring. She's completely crazy, the not-so-fun kind.
A coworker friend of mine let slip the other day that he'd never seen The Life Aquatic so we took a two hour lunch break and watched it. His mind was suitably blown. It was probabaly the 300th time I've watched it and it still holds all the magic of that first viewing. There are very few movies that can keep me occupied like that. It is a masterpiece. Then he let slip that he'd never seen Eternal Sunshone of the Spotless Mind and I almost punched him. Its almost as though he's been living in a cave for the past decade.
I keep pushing back a trip to Vegas to visit a friend and its starting to get annoying. Seems like nothing can be just as simple as getting in the car and driving. Andnothing of any great weight has been crawling through this mind lately so those are the surface ramblings. Time to go back to the gym and cook some chicken and rice. Mmmmmmmm! Albums are taking to long to download anyway :(
See you all in 2010.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
The end of an era
As the decade draws to a close I sit in my lucky chair amidst a giant pile of shit that needs to be out of this house in just a few days.
Peyton Manning has just completed the pass that puts him over 50,000 career yards. Youngest ever by two years, two games faster than Dan Marino, hailed by all as the greatest pure QB ever. The Colts have just retaken the lead and seem to be on the way to 15-0. Go Colts!
Christmas Eve was a furious movie marathon. All sorts of christmasy stuff like Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, The Inglorious Basterds, The Darjeeling Limited, The Goods, and shortly, once the Colts have put paid to the Jets, (500) Days of Summer. The family started texting me at 7am EST, 4am here. First pic, the family dog chewing on my stocking. I was already up, sleeping now from midnight until 3am or so every night. Its so inconvenient.
I finally have my car back and it is one huge weight lifted off me shoulders. I am solidly down between 160 and 165 for the first time since I arrived at college for my freshman year. Seems like I lose it in five pound increments and each new five pounds is a struggle. Sunday is day off from the gym and day off from paying attention to what I eat. Giant pile of fast food later and I about to lapse into a carb coma. Even that will be over in a few weeks when NFL sunday is a thing of the recent past and distant future and I switch to seven days a week at the gym :) I am much happer with myself when I am trying to hurt myself as much as possible.
My parents thought it was hysterical when I told them what I did on Christmas day. "Played video games and watched tv. Same as I would have done if I was home." Dad laughed his ass off. We always open our presents on Christmas Eve. Grandmother comes over with Aunt and Uncle on the day after Christmas. Chhristmas day I always make my whole family watch Home for the Holidays, my favorite holiday movie ever. They also have to watch it every Thanksgiving I make it home too. They watched it in my honor :)
Now the Colts have benched all their high profile guys and are down by 6, about to go down by 13. End of the undefeated season and breaking the record of 23 straight regular season victories. Booooooooooooooooo!
McDonalds vanilla ice cream is still my all-time favorite.
Sherlock Holmes tickets for tomorrow night, should be a fun time. First time I get to really see a friend of mine since New York and not just watch her perform. Catching up should be eye opening as I suspect her music career has proceeded with leaps and bounds since we first met. Yesterday was her birthday so it's my treat. Always fun to spend time with friends at their birthday time. I always work on mine, was never a big fan of celebrating, but I'll celebrate friends' birthdays for days at a time. In Boston we used to do birthday weeks :)
I'll be so happy when December's over :)
Bring on January!
Peyton Manning has just completed the pass that puts him over 50,000 career yards. Youngest ever by two years, two games faster than Dan Marino, hailed by all as the greatest pure QB ever. The Colts have just retaken the lead and seem to be on the way to 15-0. Go Colts!
Christmas Eve was a furious movie marathon. All sorts of christmasy stuff like Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, The Inglorious Basterds, The Darjeeling Limited, The Goods, and shortly, once the Colts have put paid to the Jets, (500) Days of Summer. The family started texting me at 7am EST, 4am here. First pic, the family dog chewing on my stocking. I was already up, sleeping now from midnight until 3am or so every night. Its so inconvenient.
I finally have my car back and it is one huge weight lifted off me shoulders. I am solidly down between 160 and 165 for the first time since I arrived at college for my freshman year. Seems like I lose it in five pound increments and each new five pounds is a struggle. Sunday is day off from the gym and day off from paying attention to what I eat. Giant pile of fast food later and I about to lapse into a carb coma. Even that will be over in a few weeks when NFL sunday is a thing of the recent past and distant future and I switch to seven days a week at the gym :) I am much happer with myself when I am trying to hurt myself as much as possible.
My parents thought it was hysterical when I told them what I did on Christmas day. "Played video games and watched tv. Same as I would have done if I was home." Dad laughed his ass off. We always open our presents on Christmas Eve. Grandmother comes over with Aunt and Uncle on the day after Christmas. Chhristmas day I always make my whole family watch Home for the Holidays, my favorite holiday movie ever. They also have to watch it every Thanksgiving I make it home too. They watched it in my honor :)
Now the Colts have benched all their high profile guys and are down by 6, about to go down by 13. End of the undefeated season and breaking the record of 23 straight regular season victories. Booooooooooooooooo!
McDonalds vanilla ice cream is still my all-time favorite.
Sherlock Holmes tickets for tomorrow night, should be a fun time. First time I get to really see a friend of mine since New York and not just watch her perform. Catching up should be eye opening as I suspect her music career has proceeded with leaps and bounds since we first met. Yesterday was her birthday so it's my treat. Always fun to spend time with friends at their birthday time. I always work on mine, was never a big fan of celebrating, but I'll celebrate friends' birthdays for days at a time. In Boston we used to do birthday weeks :)
I'll be so happy when December's over :)
Bring on January!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
The Price Tag of Stupidity
Yesterday I found out that the price tag of my stupidity is $14,200 :)
Half of my house is completely empty, vacated by roommates who have all returned to the east coast. The other half is apparently my responsibility to empty out in the next couple of days. So my holidays will be spent packing and moving :)
I could've picked up my car yesterday but no one thought to call and say, "Hi! Just wanted to let you know you're car will be ready tomorrow", so I could arrange to pay for it and all that fun stuff. Now the holidays push me getting it back to Saturday at the earliest. This I'm refusing to count on because I'm sure something will get screwed up in the mail and it'll most likely be Monday. This will destroy all the fun plans that are possible this weekend.
Yesterday I spoke to the woman I rear ended and felt horrible for her because she felt horrible for me. The guy I was working with was laughing his ass off as I informed her I was uninsured and she reluctantly told me the initial estimate on her car was $8700. He said my feeble "Oh?" was priceless and sounded like I was deflating. I spent the rest of the conversation with her laughing. Best part at the very end: "Well, at least try to enjoy your holidays..." I burst out laughing because she was mortified and I was just relieved to know she was okay and that writing two checks would finish this little holiday adventure.
I'm pretty sure the second I do get my car back I am going to leave the city and hide from myself for a little while with a stack of movies and books. I need a break from being me for a bit, it's becoming tiring :)
Half of my house is completely empty, vacated by roommates who have all returned to the east coast. The other half is apparently my responsibility to empty out in the next couple of days. So my holidays will be spent packing and moving :)
I could've picked up my car yesterday but no one thought to call and say, "Hi! Just wanted to let you know you're car will be ready tomorrow", so I could arrange to pay for it and all that fun stuff. Now the holidays push me getting it back to Saturday at the earliest. This I'm refusing to count on because I'm sure something will get screwed up in the mail and it'll most likely be Monday. This will destroy all the fun plans that are possible this weekend.
Yesterday I spoke to the woman I rear ended and felt horrible for her because she felt horrible for me. The guy I was working with was laughing his ass off as I informed her I was uninsured and she reluctantly told me the initial estimate on her car was $8700. He said my feeble "Oh?" was priceless and sounded like I was deflating. I spent the rest of the conversation with her laughing. Best part at the very end: "Well, at least try to enjoy your holidays..." I burst out laughing because she was mortified and I was just relieved to know she was okay and that writing two checks would finish this little holiday adventure.
I'm pretty sure the second I do get my car back I am going to leave the city and hide from myself for a little while with a stack of movies and books. I need a break from being me for a bit, it's becoming tiring :)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Oh how crazy things happen unexpectedly
12/14/09, 2:37am. Last blog post happened almost exactly 5 hours before I raced headlong into the rear end of a stopped car in traffic. Getting hit in the face unexpectedly by an air bag is not fun. Then I found out my insurance policy had been cancelled because of my tendency to make late payments on everything. So irresponsible. Final price tag for my stupidity is still TBD but it is mucho big. Just in time for the holidays.
The silver lining is that it was the kick in the backside that has been much needed lately. When I am pleased with myself I tend to function poorly. I eat poorly, I drink too much, I don't exercise as much, pay little to no attention to finances, I just relax and enjoy life. After this mishap I have once again gotten into a more New York state of mind, everything very militaristic. Wake up, exercise, eat right and light, read until work starts. Work ceases only for lunch. After work, gym. After work and the gym I am usually so exhausted that I pass out early and sleep fit. Sleep has been hard to come by lately. Sunday is the only day I relax and watch football.
Only day I broke from this routine was Thursday. After the gym I got home and was dragged out by roomates and coworkers, despite my protests and exhaustion. Got to the bar and ordered a beer in hopes it would give me a second wind. Nope. Made it through half before I started to fall asleep at a corner table. There is nothing that makes me more sketched out than falling asleep at a bar. Eventually I was shaken awake by my roommate and pointed in the direction of our car so I could sleep. Woke up the next morning to discover that I had unsuccessfully tried to keep myself awake by texting something funny to a friend. Not a good idea. After a series of bizarre attempts and pleas for her to call me back I had given up. In the angry voicemail she left me she assumed I was wasted, it was the only real assumption anyone could make. Usually I just sleepwalk when I'm that tired, this time not so lucky. She won't talk to me anymore.
To recap: 1) wrecked car.... check, 2) pissed off a dear friend.... check. I've been on a roll lately.
After this series of shit events I decided to stay in California for Christmas. Figured with my luck any plane I got on would nose dive into a mountain and then not only mine but 100-200 other people would have their Christmas' ruined too. I'd feel horrible if I was responsible for that. So it'll be an orphan Christmas in Cali this year, either solo or with a couple coworkers. Having these extra couple days will make the house move more leisurely. I'm taking the silver linings where I can get them.
An upcoming trip to New York for work is turning into an extra fun one as I get to see a lot of people I haven't for a while. An old friend from Boston University is coming to visit for a couple days. It'll be the first time I've seen her in 9 years. It should be an eventful reunion. Another friend from Long Island I used to work with is going to accompany me to a show at Fashion Week which will also be a lot of fun. It'll be the first time I've seen her in five years. Lots of catching up to do there. And the other day I got in touch with the last girl I had any type of relationship with and made plans to visit her and her family. These reunions are always fun but kind of awkward as her family was very nearly my family. It'll be the first time in two years I've seen her. I got the chance to meet her first son then and apparently he's monstrous huge now. This trip will be the first time I get to meet her second son. I love dealing with kids that young. No intellect required or social back and forth, just a big smile and loving eyes and a soft tone and you're golden. The difficulty of having fun and easy conversations with a person who you used to spend nearly every waking second with but is now on the very outskirts of your life is astounding. Lots of uncomfortable pauses and trying to keep everything nonchalant so her husband doesn't ever suspect we were romantic. Mentally exhausting. She is the reason I refuse to lie to people I'm close to anymore, it is what makes our encounters so awkward now.
Finally get to blow some steam off this weekend by taking a musician friend to a movie double feature. We've been trying unsuccessfully to find mutual free days to catch up since I got back from New York this summer and it looks to finally be about to happen. Will be a merciful departure from the way things have been going recently. And then a few days in Vegas next week to spend a bit of the holidays with my favorite person in the world. Just what the doctor ordered to restore my holiday cheer.
Now to try to get back to sleep, house is disturbingly quiet now that I am the only one left. Last day of work this week before focusing on moving and trying to get friends un-pissed off at me. Lots of holiday work to do :)
The silver lining is that it was the kick in the backside that has been much needed lately. When I am pleased with myself I tend to function poorly. I eat poorly, I drink too much, I don't exercise as much, pay little to no attention to finances, I just relax and enjoy life. After this mishap I have once again gotten into a more New York state of mind, everything very militaristic. Wake up, exercise, eat right and light, read until work starts. Work ceases only for lunch. After work, gym. After work and the gym I am usually so exhausted that I pass out early and sleep fit. Sleep has been hard to come by lately. Sunday is the only day I relax and watch football.
Only day I broke from this routine was Thursday. After the gym I got home and was dragged out by roomates and coworkers, despite my protests and exhaustion. Got to the bar and ordered a beer in hopes it would give me a second wind. Nope. Made it through half before I started to fall asleep at a corner table. There is nothing that makes me more sketched out than falling asleep at a bar. Eventually I was shaken awake by my roommate and pointed in the direction of our car so I could sleep. Woke up the next morning to discover that I had unsuccessfully tried to keep myself awake by texting something funny to a friend. Not a good idea. After a series of bizarre attempts and pleas for her to call me back I had given up. In the angry voicemail she left me she assumed I was wasted, it was the only real assumption anyone could make. Usually I just sleepwalk when I'm that tired, this time not so lucky. She won't talk to me anymore.
To recap: 1) wrecked car.... check, 2) pissed off a dear friend.... check. I've been on a roll lately.
After this series of shit events I decided to stay in California for Christmas. Figured with my luck any plane I got on would nose dive into a mountain and then not only mine but 100-200 other people would have their Christmas' ruined too. I'd feel horrible if I was responsible for that. So it'll be an orphan Christmas in Cali this year, either solo or with a couple coworkers. Having these extra couple days will make the house move more leisurely. I'm taking the silver linings where I can get them.
An upcoming trip to New York for work is turning into an extra fun one as I get to see a lot of people I haven't for a while. An old friend from Boston University is coming to visit for a couple days. It'll be the first time I've seen her in 9 years. It should be an eventful reunion. Another friend from Long Island I used to work with is going to accompany me to a show at Fashion Week which will also be a lot of fun. It'll be the first time I've seen her in five years. Lots of catching up to do there. And the other day I got in touch with the last girl I had any type of relationship with and made plans to visit her and her family. These reunions are always fun but kind of awkward as her family was very nearly my family. It'll be the first time in two years I've seen her. I got the chance to meet her first son then and apparently he's monstrous huge now. This trip will be the first time I get to meet her second son. I love dealing with kids that young. No intellect required or social back and forth, just a big smile and loving eyes and a soft tone and you're golden. The difficulty of having fun and easy conversations with a person who you used to spend nearly every waking second with but is now on the very outskirts of your life is astounding. Lots of uncomfortable pauses and trying to keep everything nonchalant so her husband doesn't ever suspect we were romantic. Mentally exhausting. She is the reason I refuse to lie to people I'm close to anymore, it is what makes our encounters so awkward now.
Finally get to blow some steam off this weekend by taking a musician friend to a movie double feature. We've been trying unsuccessfully to find mutual free days to catch up since I got back from New York this summer and it looks to finally be about to happen. Will be a merciful departure from the way things have been going recently. And then a few days in Vegas next week to spend a bit of the holidays with my favorite person in the world. Just what the doctor ordered to restore my holiday cheer.
Now to try to get back to sleep, house is disturbingly quiet now that I am the only one left. Last day of work this week before focusing on moving and trying to get friends un-pissed off at me. Lots of holiday work to do :)
Monday, December 14, 2009
Meteor showers
Seems like every time I looked up tonight I saw a massive, wonderfully bright falling star. When we were beginning this show I got the chance to witness the Perseid meteor shower and it was incredible. Tonight's felt more special. On the drive to work it rained for two minutes and then stopped and the sky is crystal clear out here far enough away from the lights of Los Angeles that viewing conditions were pretty optimal. My work list is wonderfully brief and easy. Late coworkers helped me finish the difficult stuff before they bailed and while they were schlepping stuff around I hung out in the hills on the property coiling cables. Usually this freaks me out because these hills are crawling with coyotes and mountain lions and rattle snakes and poisonous spiders and they all love our gear because electricity warms it. Instead of fretting I blasted Pandora radio and sang along with The Pixies without a care in the world. This after I kept giving one of our production assistants those looks that can kill because he was making too much noise near me when I wanted to hear nothing last night, just perfect silence. My moods are swinging now fast and furious.
Sleep once again doesn't happen. I past out at 8am this morning only to wake at 10am. I thought, "fine, I'll watch tv." Two hours later my roommate turned on last nights UFC fights so I started watching. Go BJ Penn. Two hours later I got pissed at myself for a lot of the stupid mistakes I've been making lately and went for a run when the fights were done. This happens often. I spend most of my time furious with myself for being an idiot and that is when I run my life properly. Its almost like I'm grounding myself. I come up with a routine and that's what I do, day in, day out. This is when I'm financially secure and responsible, I achieve goals, I eat healthy and exercise, when I most closely resemble the adult that I should be. I haven't been good and angry with myself for a while. And the odd thing is that when I'm angry with myself I get much much happier.
I arrived at work and knew I was going to be miserable because of the lack of sleep. When an outdoor segment started rolling I snatched a chair, popped it under a portable heater, rested elbows on thighs like I was intently paying attention to the cast and past out. In and out, 15-20 minutes at a time. Woke up refreshed and proceeded into the hills :) Now its 3am though and the ol' lids are starting to get hella heavy.
When I pulled my laptop out now and opened it up I realized I had once again unknowingly participated in my favorite past time: leaving the power cable on my floor at home. And the power cable for this beautiful machine is massive, not so easily forgettable. This is like forgetting the bottom half of your crutch when you rely on it entirely to get around. Oh silly me.
This is the beginning of the final week of work for 2009. 2010 will be an interesting year because it seems like we won't be going as heavily as we usually do which means I'll need to hit the pavement again. Excited and nervous about it. I think its funny that most of the people we work with are from the West Coast. When they work its like a relaxed stroll, all's well, super cool. The guys I work with are all from the East Coast or were taught by guys from the East Coast. When we work its like a platoon of pissed off soldiers storming a building guns blazing. I prefer it. Relaxed and cool causes problems, ask no questions take no prisoners solves them :)
What else? Trader Joe's Sesame Honey Almonds are my newest favoritest snack.
Also, when I walk the ground in a few minutes all of the remaining West Coast peeps will be sleeping in random nooks and crannies in the house. Fucking shameful laziness. Pandora's playing The Yeah Yeah Yeahs now. Brilliant :)
Along with not sleeping I don't really eat anymore either. 1 meal per day, very small. I'm into holes on my belt that haven't seen use since I was in high school. Gym trips will resume very soon.
I still don't know what I'm going to do when I leave my current house but I do have a place to go and the situation seems as good as possible for having to share a place with someone and that makes me rest easy about one big looming disaster I was about to tackle at full speed.
Watching an episode of UK sci-fi series Paradox last night and Multiple Universe Theories popped up again. Sigmund Freud theorized that if something kept popping up over and over again it was because your subconscious recognized it as something important in your future. It was mostly with numbers because, I believe (double check me), that when you noticed a number over and over ad nauseum it had something to do with the way you die (Freud believed part of your subconscious could see the future). Theory was called Significant Number Theory. Sigmund Freud was a coked out lunatic who's theories have mostly been proven useless or wrong but his method was genius and won him his status as a great mind. The number that kept popping up for me was 26 so I was convinced that I was a goner young. WRONG! Imagine how stupid I felt when I turned 27. And you question whether or not I'm an idiot. I think its funny now that a lot of the brilliant things theorized by the great minds of the late 1800's/early 1900's have been debunked as complete bullshit. I'm pointing at you, Einstein. That also makes me much more impressed when you think a man like Nicola Tesla created radio, tv broadcasting, x rays, wireless technology and the power system that runs the country today all by 1920 (there's way more but those are the ones that affect nearly every single person on the planet). The greatest technical mind that ever lived. He fixed the errors in most of Thomas Jefferson's greatest inventions too. Why do most people not know he is? Why do most people think of the band Tesla when his name is mentioned? Preposterous. A mind like his will never be seen again because of our fascination with specialization.
I love all kinds of music. Different things strike me at different times. Melancholy tracks and their haunting beauty. Ruckus rock that drives your heart to pump a little faster. Witty indy rock. The complexity of symphonies. The posturing of rap. Dance music despite the fact I can't dance for shit :) Tonight it was lines by Modest Mouse from a song I'd never heard and struck me as melancholy. "I'm trying to drink away the part of the day that I cannot sleep away." Beautiful and sad. Been there. "And I know I should go but I will probably stay and that's all you can do about some things." I've been living there recently. Modest Mouse is excellent. No country music. Utter garbage, the lot of it, with the exception of Johnny Cash.
Battery.....dying.....batt.....dy.....
Be back in a few days and on a normal schedule again. I can get back to living a normal life.
HA! Who the fuck am I kidding? ;)
Sleep once again doesn't happen. I past out at 8am this morning only to wake at 10am. I thought, "fine, I'll watch tv." Two hours later my roommate turned on last nights UFC fights so I started watching. Go BJ Penn. Two hours later I got pissed at myself for a lot of the stupid mistakes I've been making lately and went for a run when the fights were done. This happens often. I spend most of my time furious with myself for being an idiot and that is when I run my life properly. Its almost like I'm grounding myself. I come up with a routine and that's what I do, day in, day out. This is when I'm financially secure and responsible, I achieve goals, I eat healthy and exercise, when I most closely resemble the adult that I should be. I haven't been good and angry with myself for a while. And the odd thing is that when I'm angry with myself I get much much happier.
I arrived at work and knew I was going to be miserable because of the lack of sleep. When an outdoor segment started rolling I snatched a chair, popped it under a portable heater, rested elbows on thighs like I was intently paying attention to the cast and past out. In and out, 15-20 minutes at a time. Woke up refreshed and proceeded into the hills :) Now its 3am though and the ol' lids are starting to get hella heavy.
When I pulled my laptop out now and opened it up I realized I had once again unknowingly participated in my favorite past time: leaving the power cable on my floor at home. And the power cable for this beautiful machine is massive, not so easily forgettable. This is like forgetting the bottom half of your crutch when you rely on it entirely to get around. Oh silly me.
This is the beginning of the final week of work for 2009. 2010 will be an interesting year because it seems like we won't be going as heavily as we usually do which means I'll need to hit the pavement again. Excited and nervous about it. I think its funny that most of the people we work with are from the West Coast. When they work its like a relaxed stroll, all's well, super cool. The guys I work with are all from the East Coast or were taught by guys from the East Coast. When we work its like a platoon of pissed off soldiers storming a building guns blazing. I prefer it. Relaxed and cool causes problems, ask no questions take no prisoners solves them :)
What else? Trader Joe's Sesame Honey Almonds are my newest favoritest snack.
Also, when I walk the ground in a few minutes all of the remaining West Coast peeps will be sleeping in random nooks and crannies in the house. Fucking shameful laziness. Pandora's playing The Yeah Yeah Yeahs now. Brilliant :)
Along with not sleeping I don't really eat anymore either. 1 meal per day, very small. I'm into holes on my belt that haven't seen use since I was in high school. Gym trips will resume very soon.
I still don't know what I'm going to do when I leave my current house but I do have a place to go and the situation seems as good as possible for having to share a place with someone and that makes me rest easy about one big looming disaster I was about to tackle at full speed.
Watching an episode of UK sci-fi series Paradox last night and Multiple Universe Theories popped up again. Sigmund Freud theorized that if something kept popping up over and over again it was because your subconscious recognized it as something important in your future. It was mostly with numbers because, I believe (double check me), that when you noticed a number over and over ad nauseum it had something to do with the way you die (Freud believed part of your subconscious could see the future). Theory was called Significant Number Theory. Sigmund Freud was a coked out lunatic who's theories have mostly been proven useless or wrong but his method was genius and won him his status as a great mind. The number that kept popping up for me was 26 so I was convinced that I was a goner young. WRONG! Imagine how stupid I felt when I turned 27. And you question whether or not I'm an idiot. I think its funny now that a lot of the brilliant things theorized by the great minds of the late 1800's/early 1900's have been debunked as complete bullshit. I'm pointing at you, Einstein. That also makes me much more impressed when you think a man like Nicola Tesla created radio, tv broadcasting, x rays, wireless technology and the power system that runs the country today all by 1920 (there's way more but those are the ones that affect nearly every single person on the planet). The greatest technical mind that ever lived. He fixed the errors in most of Thomas Jefferson's greatest inventions too. Why do most people not know he is? Why do most people think of the band Tesla when his name is mentioned? Preposterous. A mind like his will never be seen again because of our fascination with specialization.
I love all kinds of music. Different things strike me at different times. Melancholy tracks and their haunting beauty. Ruckus rock that drives your heart to pump a little faster. Witty indy rock. The complexity of symphonies. The posturing of rap. Dance music despite the fact I can't dance for shit :) Tonight it was lines by Modest Mouse from a song I'd never heard and struck me as melancholy. "I'm trying to drink away the part of the day that I cannot sleep away." Beautiful and sad. Been there. "And I know I should go but I will probably stay and that's all you can do about some things." I've been living there recently. Modest Mouse is excellent. No country music. Utter garbage, the lot of it, with the exception of Johnny Cash.
Battery.....dying.....batt.....dy.....
Be back in a few days and on a normal schedule again. I can get back to living a normal life.
HA! Who the fuck am I kidding? ;)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
my favorite nonfiction piece of writing ever
An essay by Chuck Palahniuk entitled "Brinksmanship"
http://www.randomhouse.com/boldtype/0501/palahniuk/essay.html
http://www.randomhouse.com/boldtype/0501/palahniuk/essay.html
The G.D. rain will not stop
It pretends to every so often and its pretty sweet out when it does, then I inevitably run outside in just my hoodie and get drenched when it starts pouring. The desert sucks. Then I come back in my little cave and sit in the rolling office chair and think about all the thoughts pinging around my head and which are going to be vomited out on this electronic page.
First thoughts are of complete and overwhelming happiness as my transgressions of the previous night have been forgiven and the beautiful thing I thought I broke has emerged unscratched and wonderful again. It raises a gaggle of red flags with me though because I definitely need to pay way more attention to what I do and be less of an out of control retard. I get nervous around strangers, really for no reason, I can engage and befriend anyone. I get nervous around people who are very important to me for all sorts of inferiority complex and intimacy issues (all of which are completely retarded). I get really nervous if I'm trying to process emotional things because very little upsets me emotionally. I get obsessive compulsive when I'm nervous and then rely on doing things with my hands to keep my mind occupied. At a party this means entertaining myself with a beer bottle. I arrived at 7:30pm and left somewhere between 3:30 and 4am. That's a lot of hours. I should have known better. I suck at pacing myself. And usually I launch into a weird kind of autopilot (lovingly referred to as the Irish Robot) when I drink too much. I stop talking, listen intently, drive fine and perform anything routine with precision. This night I decided to try to have an important conversation, which did not happen with any sort of precision at all. Idiocy. Error! Error! Error! But its all good now and I am overjoyed and happy and giddy and uplifted and lacking a thesaurus to come up with all the other words that mean the same thing. Big smile on my face like :D and its a happy coincidence that the smile part is made up of the D.
My other most favorite person in the world called me today from Las Vegas. Talk is usually shop with her. She is remarkably similar to me and spends all of her time working so conversations always start there. From there though they can go anywhere so talking is incredible mental exercise. Smart, funny, sarcastic and lovely. This girl bartended at the hotel I stayed at while doing a tv show in Vegas. I thought it was funny to watch all my coworkers hit on her while she worked. She thought I was funny watching all my coworkers strike out. We hit it off and ended up hanging out. This is where my mental retardation kicks in. Usually the only girls I meet are coworkers, I won't go there, not interested. Whenever a girl shows interest in me that I am interested in I start to pay extra attention to everything she does until I find something that makes me not attracted. Then I sever ties. Captain Self-Sabateur. Now I have known her for almost three years and she is the most important person in the world to me. For a while she was thinking of leaving Vegas to return to Arizona which would have meant me never being able to see her. Looks like now she's staying put. This was fantastic news. But after nearly three years of friendly lunches and dinners and movies and phone calls and living 350 miles away, I have no idea how to turn this relationship romantic. I am horrible at life. When my boss tells me I need to find a responsible girlfriend to fix all my mistakes, she is definitely this person. I wonder what the hell my parents did to me to make me so incredibly adaptive and successfully professionally and so fucking inept relationally.
These posts that require thought are not as much fun as last night's. And talking to these two always gets me thinking of why I ignore some very specific rules I live by. Why certain people I meet I never want to talk to again after a few minutes so I walk away. These two have both told me stories now that would have me running screaming from any other person but instead there was absolutely nothing. Tonight after hearing the story I paused and my friend thought I was judging her. "Do you think less of me now?" The pause was because I knew that this was that moment where the sirens should start wailing and the red lights should start flashing. There was nothing. "Not at all, there is nothing you can do that would make me think any less of you." I have never lied to this person or my friend in Vegas. Lying is a waste of time and completely disrespectful.
These people mean everything to me and scare the hell out of me.
Later she said she couldn't figure me out and I told her she didn't want to. The conversation went unfinished because I had to start working. The past few weeks have been interesting because I could tell in certain parts of my life exactly what was going to happen. Patterns emerged and played out as expected for both good and bad and everything ended ok.
That feeling went away while processing this. I have no idea what's going to happen next.
This is all I can think of now and the thoughts are too fast and incomplete and my brain is too tired to work with them :(
Bailing out. Need to finish work and then sleep.
First thoughts are of complete and overwhelming happiness as my transgressions of the previous night have been forgiven and the beautiful thing I thought I broke has emerged unscratched and wonderful again. It raises a gaggle of red flags with me though because I definitely need to pay way more attention to what I do and be less of an out of control retard. I get nervous around strangers, really for no reason, I can engage and befriend anyone. I get nervous around people who are very important to me for all sorts of inferiority complex and intimacy issues (all of which are completely retarded). I get really nervous if I'm trying to process emotional things because very little upsets me emotionally. I get obsessive compulsive when I'm nervous and then rely on doing things with my hands to keep my mind occupied. At a party this means entertaining myself with a beer bottle. I arrived at 7:30pm and left somewhere between 3:30 and 4am. That's a lot of hours. I should have known better. I suck at pacing myself. And usually I launch into a weird kind of autopilot (lovingly referred to as the Irish Robot) when I drink too much. I stop talking, listen intently, drive fine and perform anything routine with precision. This night I decided to try to have an important conversation, which did not happen with any sort of precision at all. Idiocy. Error! Error! Error! But its all good now and I am overjoyed and happy and giddy and uplifted and lacking a thesaurus to come up with all the other words that mean the same thing. Big smile on my face like :D and its a happy coincidence that the smile part is made up of the D.
My other most favorite person in the world called me today from Las Vegas. Talk is usually shop with her. She is remarkably similar to me and spends all of her time working so conversations always start there. From there though they can go anywhere so talking is incredible mental exercise. Smart, funny, sarcastic and lovely. This girl bartended at the hotel I stayed at while doing a tv show in Vegas. I thought it was funny to watch all my coworkers hit on her while she worked. She thought I was funny watching all my coworkers strike out. We hit it off and ended up hanging out. This is where my mental retardation kicks in. Usually the only girls I meet are coworkers, I won't go there, not interested. Whenever a girl shows interest in me that I am interested in I start to pay extra attention to everything she does until I find something that makes me not attracted. Then I sever ties. Captain Self-Sabateur. Now I have known her for almost three years and she is the most important person in the world to me. For a while she was thinking of leaving Vegas to return to Arizona which would have meant me never being able to see her. Looks like now she's staying put. This was fantastic news. But after nearly three years of friendly lunches and dinners and movies and phone calls and living 350 miles away, I have no idea how to turn this relationship romantic. I am horrible at life. When my boss tells me I need to find a responsible girlfriend to fix all my mistakes, she is definitely this person. I wonder what the hell my parents did to me to make me so incredibly adaptive and successfully professionally and so fucking inept relationally.
These posts that require thought are not as much fun as last night's. And talking to these two always gets me thinking of why I ignore some very specific rules I live by. Why certain people I meet I never want to talk to again after a few minutes so I walk away. These two have both told me stories now that would have me running screaming from any other person but instead there was absolutely nothing. Tonight after hearing the story I paused and my friend thought I was judging her. "Do you think less of me now?" The pause was because I knew that this was that moment where the sirens should start wailing and the red lights should start flashing. There was nothing. "Not at all, there is nothing you can do that would make me think any less of you." I have never lied to this person or my friend in Vegas. Lying is a waste of time and completely disrespectful.
These people mean everything to me and scare the hell out of me.
Later she said she couldn't figure me out and I told her she didn't want to. The conversation went unfinished because I had to start working. The past few weeks have been interesting because I could tell in certain parts of my life exactly what was going to happen. Patterns emerged and played out as expected for both good and bad and everything ended ok.
That feeling went away while processing this. I have no idea what's going to happen next.
This is all I can think of now and the thoughts are too fast and incomplete and my brain is too tired to work with them :(
Bailing out. Need to finish work and then sleep.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
These things going on
Tonight I get to be the puppet master :)
At random intervals I will flick one of three switches. Said switches trigger a wailing siren and light show that will wake up three couples, one of which will have to tend to a fake baby, depending on which switch is flipped. Daily I wonder how I got myself into this situation, marvelling at the twists and turns, paths abruptly stopping and starting, choices. I'm oddly compelled by what I do so I am happy with it for now, who knows how long it will last or what surprises might be in store for me.
And this train of thought usually leads me down the path of wondering where different choices would have landed me. Twice now over the past few months Multiple Universe Theory has popped up while entertaining myself and its always intriguing. Physicists and those other brilliant minds that expend all their mental faculties thinking about time theorize that timelines exist for every -
My job is crazy, as I'll interject here an example of the lunacy I deal with on a day to day basis. One of the three couples just seperated explosively. Two hours ago, all's well. Now, 1:44am, all's not well and it looks like someone's going to get punched. It is riotously funny though because these people we work with are caricatures. Two people were fighting like normal. Then person #3 tells the instigator they did something stupid and the instigator went from 0 to light speed in somewhere around a half a second. This house is huge and you can hear the cursing from one end to another. And I heard at least 1400 f-bombs in the last 6 minutes :) Fear not, person #3 has adopted the fake baby of the newly seperated couple but they can't remember the words to Jack and Jill. That's when I surprise myself by remembering the words having not heard it for probably 27 years now. 1:50am: all's quiet. We'll see how long this lasts.
- choice we make. Every fork in the road every one of us takes creates a new timeline. Like reading a choose your own adventure book over and over and exploring the ins and outs of every combination of choices. I never had the patience for this because I always looked ahead to make sure my choice was right, the fear of failure causing me to cheat. I wish I could do the same thing now.
In 2046, Wong Kar-wai wrote a beautiful piece of dialogue. Tony Leung's writer lives in an apartment building and witnesses the lives and loves of people around him. While observing the love affair between his chinese landlord's daughter and a japanese businessman he starts to fall in love with her. While watching her smoke a cigarette on the roof he wonders something along the lines of: If I could go back and make different choices could they possibly put me on a different path that would lead me to a realtionship with her. I'll wager I've butchered this and it sounds better in Leung's measured mandarin. Kar-wai is one of my favorite filmmakers, Leung is one of the best actors alive and the story is hauntingly beautiful, leaping back and forth between affirming and heartbreaking. Faye Wong plays the daughter. Rarely has there ever been a greater mix of beauty and talent.
The theory also recently popped up in an episode of FlashForward but it was far less beautiful and used more as a "we're so smart!" analogy so it only really bears mentioning at all because it makes me wonder if I'm using it as an "I'm so smart!" analogy. Hmmmmmmm. Anyway it reminded me of the monologue in 2046 so BOOM!
I more think about the theory because I like to think that along other timelines I haven't made the stupid mistakes I'm forced to deal with in this one. I'd like to think that I'm smart enough that I'm not an idiot in infinite timelines, that I'd get it right one way or another at least a couple times. My roomate/boss is concerned that the only thing that will right my wrongs is a responsible girlfriend. My whole life I've believed that there is no problem that arises that I can't solve myself, especially all the problems that plague me. I'm becoming concerned that he's right because he was in the same spot. What kind of quandary is that? I'm hesitant to date anyone because I'd feel like an asshole to saddle them with my problems but maybe the only way to solve the problems is to date someone responsible who'll fix them.
Today my looming homeless scenario resolved itself. As soon as I walked into work one of the guys who used to live at our horrible house told me a friend of his was looking to split his one bedroom. Dirt cheap temporary solution. One problem solved miraculously, a solution fallen into my lap. Now if a responsible woman would fall in my lap apparently I'd be all set.
Found out today work is skinny through January and February so the gig in New York will be a delightful diversion. Other than that I need to reach out and see what else is out there. Been a while since I've legitimately placed those calls. I have that nervous excited terrified feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm about to enter the next phase of my life.
Plenty of time for all that after I wander around and see if neanderthals are hitting each other.
It's 2:32 am and the switches haven't been hit once. I've just been sitting here listening to the tech guys play bad Italian house music and tell bad jokes and I've been threatened twice because I refuse to laugh at them. It should be a crime that I get paid to do this.
We're all in stitches that the last show we made is causing MTV to get bombarded for promoting violence against women and racial stereotyping. Pretty much guarentees the ratings from episode three to four will double and we'll be making the second season next summer. Reality tv is diabolical. And all because someone had a camera on when a scumbag punched a girl. The Real World destroyed tv.
I found out today that a former friend of mine is on one of my favorite new tv comedies. I met this girl at Boston University. Super cute and very smart, we hit it off because she was also from Maine. After sophomore year she either transferred or changed majors and I didn't see her again. I graduated in '99. In 2002 I was living at home for a year, banking money for my doomed trip to Long Island when, lo and behold, channel surfing I see her on MTV. No, can't be. Waited for end credits, never showed cast. Hmmmm. Exercised patience, one episode of a marathon, sweet! Opening credits there she was. I thought it was hilarious. The show probably still stands as the worst thing I've ever seen on TV, and that is a miracle when one considers the new Melrose Place. Thinking of it makes me want to dig my eyes out, yet I feel compelled to keep watching it. So masochistic. Anyway, YAY! A friend of mine is on a major network TV show. I never watch it again. After Long Island explodes in my face I crash in New York City with a buddy. Opening night Terminator 3 I get back from the bank I work at late, rush to the ridiculously packed theater, scan the crowd for my friends. Obviously first in line they have the cherry row in the center dominated, empty seat in the middle for me. -
2:47am: the couple that exploded an hour ago are having the try to talk it out talk. This won't work because the guy, our "victim", is a normal guy, good looking, not intelligent, but normal. His girl is a train wreck. He has finally realized it and there is nothing she can say to change his mind.
3:10am: conversation continues. One couple sleeps which means my reign of terror is about to begin.
TAG! BACK IN! - I do the theater sideways walk, crotch to face for those curious, and as I'm about to take my seat I see my friend from BU sitting directly behind me. While recognition is dawning on me she recognizes me and we have our big "holy shit! what a small world" reunion. I ask her about the show, she's now an actress, congrats. She moved to the area live in the area, we should get together and grab coffee, sweet, great seeing you, talk soon. T3 = 2003. Fast forward to '09, I can't place where I know this actress from on one of my favorite new comedies. Finally catch the end credits of episode 5 and there she is. Its always a fun discovery.
Stream of consciousness is becoming a fun way of killing time. So far, 2 hours 15 minutes.
3:17am: Sleeping couple is awake. I might not have to do anything tonight.
Purchased a fresh new copy of Catcher in the Rye today. When I start rereading it that will make the third book I am currently rereading. Somewhere in this jamble I want to try to come up with a way to mash the stories together. How interesting would it be to jumble the characters and goings ons of Catcher in the Rye, For Whom the Bell Tolls, and American Psycho. I read damn good literature.
3:23am: The feuding couple is cuddling on a couch and seem to be on the mend. My faith renewed that these people I work around are the cream of the crop of stupid people and should not be allowed to breed. Or our producers should quit working these obnoxious hours and become handsomely paid couples counselors.
Raining again tonight but because I'm responsible for the air raid sirens and devilish light show I'm stuck in a room with a blairing heater. I'm f'ing hot but I know how miserable I've been the past few nights so I refuse to turn it off. Gluttony.-
3:40pm: The exploded couple is reunited, they have resumed control of their fake baby and are moving back in to the bedroom. The things I see are indescribable and go contrary to any kind of reason or logic. Its like watching behavioral chaos theory. Anything can happen anytime and is controlled only by whimsy. They sleep next to each other but there is a rift so my faith in man is still hanging by a thread.
The other day I was watching a movie trailer and Jean Reno told the story of the creation of man according to Greek myth. The gods created man because they were bored. -
3:48am: Bedroom lights out. The madness is now really about to begin.
-Man could not entertain the gods so they created women because they were still bored. Man and woman together could still not entertain the gods so they created love.-
:) 4am: first switch flipped. Chaos. They are also playing music and audio of a screaming, crying baby. Brilliant torture. Wouldn't have been shocked if it had been ripped straight out of A Clockwork Orange.
-And in creating love they created happiness and tragedy. Here they were finally entertained but realized that these emotions were too much for mankind to handle so they created laughter to help us survive.
4:15am: 15 minutes of chaos later. Cast is mortified. Crew is all in stitches.
Just under three hours to kill before relief arrives. Raining chaos every thirty minutes or so. Heading out into the cold until the next cacophany. I hope everyone else sleeps soundly.
Be seein' you :)
At random intervals I will flick one of three switches. Said switches trigger a wailing siren and light show that will wake up three couples, one of which will have to tend to a fake baby, depending on which switch is flipped. Daily I wonder how I got myself into this situation, marvelling at the twists and turns, paths abruptly stopping and starting, choices. I'm oddly compelled by what I do so I am happy with it for now, who knows how long it will last or what surprises might be in store for me.
And this train of thought usually leads me down the path of wondering where different choices would have landed me. Twice now over the past few months Multiple Universe Theory has popped up while entertaining myself and its always intriguing. Physicists and those other brilliant minds that expend all their mental faculties thinking about time theorize that timelines exist for every -
My job is crazy, as I'll interject here an example of the lunacy I deal with on a day to day basis. One of the three couples just seperated explosively. Two hours ago, all's well. Now, 1:44am, all's not well and it looks like someone's going to get punched. It is riotously funny though because these people we work with are caricatures. Two people were fighting like normal. Then person #3 tells the instigator they did something stupid and the instigator went from 0 to light speed in somewhere around a half a second. This house is huge and you can hear the cursing from one end to another. And I heard at least 1400 f-bombs in the last 6 minutes :) Fear not, person #3 has adopted the fake baby of the newly seperated couple but they can't remember the words to Jack and Jill. That's when I surprise myself by remembering the words having not heard it for probably 27 years now. 1:50am: all's quiet. We'll see how long this lasts.
- choice we make. Every fork in the road every one of us takes creates a new timeline. Like reading a choose your own adventure book over and over and exploring the ins and outs of every combination of choices. I never had the patience for this because I always looked ahead to make sure my choice was right, the fear of failure causing me to cheat. I wish I could do the same thing now.
In 2046, Wong Kar-wai wrote a beautiful piece of dialogue. Tony Leung's writer lives in an apartment building and witnesses the lives and loves of people around him. While observing the love affair between his chinese landlord's daughter and a japanese businessman he starts to fall in love with her. While watching her smoke a cigarette on the roof he wonders something along the lines of: If I could go back and make different choices could they possibly put me on a different path that would lead me to a realtionship with her. I'll wager I've butchered this and it sounds better in Leung's measured mandarin. Kar-wai is one of my favorite filmmakers, Leung is one of the best actors alive and the story is hauntingly beautiful, leaping back and forth between affirming and heartbreaking. Faye Wong plays the daughter. Rarely has there ever been a greater mix of beauty and talent.
The theory also recently popped up in an episode of FlashForward but it was far less beautiful and used more as a "we're so smart!" analogy so it only really bears mentioning at all because it makes me wonder if I'm using it as an "I'm so smart!" analogy. Hmmmmmmm. Anyway it reminded me of the monologue in 2046 so BOOM!
I more think about the theory because I like to think that along other timelines I haven't made the stupid mistakes I'm forced to deal with in this one. I'd like to think that I'm smart enough that I'm not an idiot in infinite timelines, that I'd get it right one way or another at least a couple times. My roomate/boss is concerned that the only thing that will right my wrongs is a responsible girlfriend. My whole life I've believed that there is no problem that arises that I can't solve myself, especially all the problems that plague me. I'm becoming concerned that he's right because he was in the same spot. What kind of quandary is that? I'm hesitant to date anyone because I'd feel like an asshole to saddle them with my problems but maybe the only way to solve the problems is to date someone responsible who'll fix them.
Today my looming homeless scenario resolved itself. As soon as I walked into work one of the guys who used to live at our horrible house told me a friend of his was looking to split his one bedroom. Dirt cheap temporary solution. One problem solved miraculously, a solution fallen into my lap. Now if a responsible woman would fall in my lap apparently I'd be all set.
Found out today work is skinny through January and February so the gig in New York will be a delightful diversion. Other than that I need to reach out and see what else is out there. Been a while since I've legitimately placed those calls. I have that nervous excited terrified feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm about to enter the next phase of my life.
Plenty of time for all that after I wander around and see if neanderthals are hitting each other.
It's 2:32 am and the switches haven't been hit once. I've just been sitting here listening to the tech guys play bad Italian house music and tell bad jokes and I've been threatened twice because I refuse to laugh at them. It should be a crime that I get paid to do this.
We're all in stitches that the last show we made is causing MTV to get bombarded for promoting violence against women and racial stereotyping. Pretty much guarentees the ratings from episode three to four will double and we'll be making the second season next summer. Reality tv is diabolical. And all because someone had a camera on when a scumbag punched a girl. The Real World destroyed tv.
I found out today that a former friend of mine is on one of my favorite new tv comedies. I met this girl at Boston University. Super cute and very smart, we hit it off because she was also from Maine. After sophomore year she either transferred or changed majors and I didn't see her again. I graduated in '99. In 2002 I was living at home for a year, banking money for my doomed trip to Long Island when, lo and behold, channel surfing I see her on MTV. No, can't be. Waited for end credits, never showed cast. Hmmmm. Exercised patience, one episode of a marathon, sweet! Opening credits there she was. I thought it was hilarious. The show probably still stands as the worst thing I've ever seen on TV, and that is a miracle when one considers the new Melrose Place. Thinking of it makes me want to dig my eyes out, yet I feel compelled to keep watching it. So masochistic. Anyway, YAY! A friend of mine is on a major network TV show. I never watch it again. After Long Island explodes in my face I crash in New York City with a buddy. Opening night Terminator 3 I get back from the bank I work at late, rush to the ridiculously packed theater, scan the crowd for my friends. Obviously first in line they have the cherry row in the center dominated, empty seat in the middle for me. -
2:47am: the couple that exploded an hour ago are having the try to talk it out talk. This won't work because the guy, our "victim", is a normal guy, good looking, not intelligent, but normal. His girl is a train wreck. He has finally realized it and there is nothing she can say to change his mind.
3:10am: conversation continues. One couple sleeps which means my reign of terror is about to begin.
TAG! BACK IN! - I do the theater sideways walk, crotch to face for those curious, and as I'm about to take my seat I see my friend from BU sitting directly behind me. While recognition is dawning on me she recognizes me and we have our big "holy shit! what a small world" reunion. I ask her about the show, she's now an actress, congrats. She moved to the area live in the area, we should get together and grab coffee, sweet, great seeing you, talk soon. T3 = 2003. Fast forward to '09, I can't place where I know this actress from on one of my favorite new comedies. Finally catch the end credits of episode 5 and there she is. Its always a fun discovery.
Stream of consciousness is becoming a fun way of killing time. So far, 2 hours 15 minutes.
3:17am: Sleeping couple is awake. I might not have to do anything tonight.
Purchased a fresh new copy of Catcher in the Rye today. When I start rereading it that will make the third book I am currently rereading. Somewhere in this jamble I want to try to come up with a way to mash the stories together. How interesting would it be to jumble the characters and goings ons of Catcher in the Rye, For Whom the Bell Tolls, and American Psycho. I read damn good literature.
3:23am: The feuding couple is cuddling on a couch and seem to be on the mend. My faith renewed that these people I work around are the cream of the crop of stupid people and should not be allowed to breed. Or our producers should quit working these obnoxious hours and become handsomely paid couples counselors.
Raining again tonight but because I'm responsible for the air raid sirens and devilish light show I'm stuck in a room with a blairing heater. I'm f'ing hot but I know how miserable I've been the past few nights so I refuse to turn it off. Gluttony.-
3:40pm: The exploded couple is reunited, they have resumed control of their fake baby and are moving back in to the bedroom. The things I see are indescribable and go contrary to any kind of reason or logic. Its like watching behavioral chaos theory. Anything can happen anytime and is controlled only by whimsy. They sleep next to each other but there is a rift so my faith in man is still hanging by a thread.
The other day I was watching a movie trailer and Jean Reno told the story of the creation of man according to Greek myth. The gods created man because they were bored. -
3:48am: Bedroom lights out. The madness is now really about to begin.
-Man could not entertain the gods so they created women because they were still bored. Man and woman together could still not entertain the gods so they created love.-
:) 4am: first switch flipped. Chaos. They are also playing music and audio of a screaming, crying baby. Brilliant torture. Wouldn't have been shocked if it had been ripped straight out of A Clockwork Orange.
-And in creating love they created happiness and tragedy. Here they were finally entertained but realized that these emotions were too much for mankind to handle so they created laughter to help us survive.
4:15am: 15 minutes of chaos later. Cast is mortified. Crew is all in stitches.
Just under three hours to kill before relief arrives. Raining chaos every thirty minutes or so. Heading out into the cold until the next cacophany. I hope everyone else sleeps soundly.
Be seein' you :)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
:)
Picture a great big dark stage. A spotlight illuminates a podium with a microphone on it. I walk out from the wings of this stage and stand in front of the podium. The air of confidence is a total front, I am deathly afraid of being in front of a crowd, especially a crowd of strangers, and here I stand about to address everyone. EVERYONE. Picture six billion chairs warmed by the backsides of every person on the planet. Every speech should start with a throat clearing, so AHEM. Tap, tap, tap and rest assured that the microphone will carry tese words that I am about to say to the ears of all these people. Then I begin.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you all because it has recently been deemed that out of everyone on the planet I am the biggest idiot. In my days I have met a fraction of a percent of you and some of you are huge idiots but rest assured I put you to shame."
That would be followed by the fake self-deprecating laugh that is actually another total front to cover up how terrified I am. But this all needs to be said so I press on.
"I took a beautiful thing that made me happy and I broke it. You there in the front row, you asked Why? Damned if I know. Its just what I do. I knew full well what the outcome would be and how awful it would make me feel and I still took the hammer to it. I could have walked away. I could have hit the brakes, stopped the car, opened the door and got out. Instead I accelerated and hit the wall as fast as possible, a huge nuclear fireball of a wreck, one of those kind that makes things disintegrate. I don't know if I'll ever know why. I think I can't be trusted with anything beautiful because I'll just drag it down into the mud with me. And the breaking of the beautiful thing was a glorious event to watch. It was the equivalent of pulling the pin on a grenade and then just staring at it in the palm of my hand until it exploded in my face. So stupid and embarrassing and pointless. Why can't I just leave well enough alone? I've tried so hard to fix myself for the past two decades and I've failed. Even more painful is that there have been a few times I thought I succeeded but it was all an elaborate ruse played on me by myself."
Here I would actually laugh, heartily, at my own expense, because I am joke. So much squandered potential.
"I am a molotov cocktail of self-destruction and good intentions. This scenario that played itself out was one of those 'only a matter of time' things. All the players involved knew it. I just floored it to the end. And it made me sad. Still makes me sad."
Here is where the tears would start to well up a bit. God knows there's been enough of those lately :)
"It is very rare that I feel truly happy. I am a happy person. I have nothing to not be happy about. Successful in work. Healthy. Intelligent. Young. Capable of anything. There is not an obstacle that can't be overcome. But truly happy? That happiness that fills you up and radiates out of you. The kind that people see in your eyes and your smile and your body language. Nope. Not here :) I can fake it here and there. But how sad is that?"
Shrugs for the audience and takes a moment to register the looks on faces in the crowd.
"I have been truly happy for the past few days and it was wonderful. I ate it up gluttonously. But it never should have happened and there was a great big ol' expiration date on it. So I pulled the plug. Nothing that ever happens in my life is clear cut. I seem to live on the fence that seperates wonderful and horrible. To feel such happiness and to know that it is kind of make believe is incredibly depressing. But then even the selfless act of pulling the plug was selfish. I didn't even back myself into a corner. I ran into the corner knowing full well it was a corner and that when I turned around there would be no escape. I pride myself on being very intelligent and then do so many stupid things. Is it just me or would other people continue on a path that they knew ended disastrously? I saw a series of events happening that ended badly and then went through the events one by one until it ended badly. It bears repeating over and over again because I still can't believe it happened."
Here I would remove the microphone from the podium and walk around to the front of the stage and hunker down. Legs dangling. Swinging back and forth like a little kid.
"I was a happy kid. (Such a superb spot for a slide show). I got broken in my teeens by a girl I loved. It was a complicated situation. I wanted to be so grown up. I had dreams and goals. I was very shy so when we started dating it was the biggest confidence boost ever. She was smart and funny and beautiful. And I was the happiest person on the planet. When she left me it was brilliant the damge she did. It was so surgical and subtle and glorious that I will never cease to be amazed by it. Something was just gone. Whatever it was I have never really put my finger on. It just left a void that nothing has ever been able to fill. And now whenever I find anything that threatens to make me happy I ruin it. And I could not be more apologetic to anyone who gets caught in my wake. You all know who you are and I never meant to hurt any of you."
"I had a dream last night that I was standing outside of the house where this whole scenario played itself out. I was in a hurry to escape but it was surrounded by a wall. As I ran around the house I realized that the wall was solid. There was no way out. There was someone chasing me whom I knew had bad intentions so I kept running until I got tired. Then I gave up. The last thing I heard before I woke up was me laughing at myself. In Catcher in the Rye Holden Caulfield says that wherever you go someone has already been there and written "Fuck you" on the wall. Somehow for me that person is me. It seems like there is a diabolical sliver of my psyche that runs ahead of the rest of me and sabotages everything I do. It is the only way I can explain knowing all of the different things that are horribly wrong with me but not being able to correct them. I am out of control."
Getting nervous now so I stand and commence with the pacing, trying to work through everything in my broken head.
"I'm the guy who hits rock bottom and then starts jackhammering. :) There is not a hole deep enough that I can crawl into right now. I am ground zero. And I am sincerely sorry for the one person out there who was unfortunately standing too close to me when the explosion happened. Such a collosal idiot."
And then I would put the microphone back and marvel on how self-aggrandizing this whole thing was :)
In all honesty, I shock myself over and over by how retarded I can be and the past two days were like a giant exclamation point. RETARDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then at the end I broke :) It was a sight to behold. The complete falling apart of barriers and safe guards and self-control. Now I get down on my knees and start picking up pieces.
Need to find scotch tape and glue :)
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the beautiful thing I ruined is salvageable ;) Time will tell.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you all because it has recently been deemed that out of everyone on the planet I am the biggest idiot. In my days I have met a fraction of a percent of you and some of you are huge idiots but rest assured I put you to shame."
That would be followed by the fake self-deprecating laugh that is actually another total front to cover up how terrified I am. But this all needs to be said so I press on.
"I took a beautiful thing that made me happy and I broke it. You there in the front row, you asked Why? Damned if I know. Its just what I do. I knew full well what the outcome would be and how awful it would make me feel and I still took the hammer to it. I could have walked away. I could have hit the brakes, stopped the car, opened the door and got out. Instead I accelerated and hit the wall as fast as possible, a huge nuclear fireball of a wreck, one of those kind that makes things disintegrate. I don't know if I'll ever know why. I think I can't be trusted with anything beautiful because I'll just drag it down into the mud with me. And the breaking of the beautiful thing was a glorious event to watch. It was the equivalent of pulling the pin on a grenade and then just staring at it in the palm of my hand until it exploded in my face. So stupid and embarrassing and pointless. Why can't I just leave well enough alone? I've tried so hard to fix myself for the past two decades and I've failed. Even more painful is that there have been a few times I thought I succeeded but it was all an elaborate ruse played on me by myself."
Here I would actually laugh, heartily, at my own expense, because I am joke. So much squandered potential.
"I am a molotov cocktail of self-destruction and good intentions. This scenario that played itself out was one of those 'only a matter of time' things. All the players involved knew it. I just floored it to the end. And it made me sad. Still makes me sad."
Here is where the tears would start to well up a bit. God knows there's been enough of those lately :)
"It is very rare that I feel truly happy. I am a happy person. I have nothing to not be happy about. Successful in work. Healthy. Intelligent. Young. Capable of anything. There is not an obstacle that can't be overcome. But truly happy? That happiness that fills you up and radiates out of you. The kind that people see in your eyes and your smile and your body language. Nope. Not here :) I can fake it here and there. But how sad is that?"
Shrugs for the audience and takes a moment to register the looks on faces in the crowd.
"I have been truly happy for the past few days and it was wonderful. I ate it up gluttonously. But it never should have happened and there was a great big ol' expiration date on it. So I pulled the plug. Nothing that ever happens in my life is clear cut. I seem to live on the fence that seperates wonderful and horrible. To feel such happiness and to know that it is kind of make believe is incredibly depressing. But then even the selfless act of pulling the plug was selfish. I didn't even back myself into a corner. I ran into the corner knowing full well it was a corner and that when I turned around there would be no escape. I pride myself on being very intelligent and then do so many stupid things. Is it just me or would other people continue on a path that they knew ended disastrously? I saw a series of events happening that ended badly and then went through the events one by one until it ended badly. It bears repeating over and over again because I still can't believe it happened."
Here I would remove the microphone from the podium and walk around to the front of the stage and hunker down. Legs dangling. Swinging back and forth like a little kid.
"I was a happy kid. (Such a superb spot for a slide show). I got broken in my teeens by a girl I loved. It was a complicated situation. I wanted to be so grown up. I had dreams and goals. I was very shy so when we started dating it was the biggest confidence boost ever. She was smart and funny and beautiful. And I was the happiest person on the planet. When she left me it was brilliant the damge she did. It was so surgical and subtle and glorious that I will never cease to be amazed by it. Something was just gone. Whatever it was I have never really put my finger on. It just left a void that nothing has ever been able to fill. And now whenever I find anything that threatens to make me happy I ruin it. And I could not be more apologetic to anyone who gets caught in my wake. You all know who you are and I never meant to hurt any of you."
"I had a dream last night that I was standing outside of the house where this whole scenario played itself out. I was in a hurry to escape but it was surrounded by a wall. As I ran around the house I realized that the wall was solid. There was no way out. There was someone chasing me whom I knew had bad intentions so I kept running until I got tired. Then I gave up. The last thing I heard before I woke up was me laughing at myself. In Catcher in the Rye Holden Caulfield says that wherever you go someone has already been there and written "Fuck you" on the wall. Somehow for me that person is me. It seems like there is a diabolical sliver of my psyche that runs ahead of the rest of me and sabotages everything I do. It is the only way I can explain knowing all of the different things that are horribly wrong with me but not being able to correct them. I am out of control."
Getting nervous now so I stand and commence with the pacing, trying to work through everything in my broken head.
"I'm the guy who hits rock bottom and then starts jackhammering. :) There is not a hole deep enough that I can crawl into right now. I am ground zero. And I am sincerely sorry for the one person out there who was unfortunately standing too close to me when the explosion happened. Such a collosal idiot."
And then I would put the microphone back and marvel on how self-aggrandizing this whole thing was :)
In all honesty, I shock myself over and over by how retarded I can be and the past two days were like a giant exclamation point. RETARDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then at the end I broke :) It was a sight to behold. The complete falling apart of barriers and safe guards and self-control. Now I get down on my knees and start picking up pieces.
Need to find scotch tape and glue :)
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the beautiful thing I ruined is salvageable ;) Time will tell.
Monday, December 7, 2009
The Graveyard Shift
Overnight shifts suck. 3am to 7am are the most boring four hours there are. Night is cold in the desert in Southern California and now it has decided to rain early. This makes it that vicious cold that sinks into your bones and makes it appalling to move around. And then there is always work to do, but not really enough to kill the entire shift so you either have to stretch it or entertain yourself until relief arrives. Then you get to sleep through the beautiful days, very reminiscent of East Coast fall days, my favorite, and wake up just as it is getting dark and cold again.
The other night I was so cold that when I misstepped exiting one of our cast houses, my ankle turned when I missed half the step and I toppled over. Falling down a flight of three steps is more embarrassing than painful but it was the fact I was freezing that caused me to do nothing. I just flopped to the ground, fantastically catching my weight first on my knee and then on my elbow, also the two most painful places to catch yourself. I was going to just lay there forever until I realized the tile I fell on was surprisingly colder than the night so I hopped up and walked it off. For the record, fine now. Only thing wounded was my pride. I'm usually very graceful. Tonight I smashed my thumb between a metal stand and the rack we store it in, my hand slipping on it because it was wet. Smashing cold wet fingers, painful. Then I jumped to unlock a door and came down abdominal region first on a massive doorknob. Lovely colorful bruise surrounding a gash. I usually don't hurt myself. The past 24 hours have been remarkably eventful in that area.
Couple nights ago I got to meet one of the original Pussycat Dolls, Carmit Bachar. Very cute. Brings me around to the other type of woman I'm attracted to. Huge smile, super fun, infecting everyone around them with a general sense that life is as good as it could possibly be at present but that it will keep getting better and better. I know very few of these type of people but when I find them they become very dear to me very quickly. I worry about to many little things and I am very critical of myself at all times, analyzing everything that I do and say and what they cause to happen around me. These people are like a black hole for this and it all just goes away while I'm with them. It's wonderful.
One more hour to go and a bunch of shit left to accomplish so off I go. Means one more hour to see how much more pain I can inflict upon myself before relief spells me and I have three days off to lick my wounds.
At least I have my laptop back to entertain me whilst licking. :) Despite the fact it keeps failing me I'll always love technology like the beaten lover who just can't bring themself to leave. We'll see how long this hard drive lasts before I fry it. And once again throwing caution to the wind and not editing ;) Oh to live so dangerously.
Over and out.
The other night I was so cold that when I misstepped exiting one of our cast houses, my ankle turned when I missed half the step and I toppled over. Falling down a flight of three steps is more embarrassing than painful but it was the fact I was freezing that caused me to do nothing. I just flopped to the ground, fantastically catching my weight first on my knee and then on my elbow, also the two most painful places to catch yourself. I was going to just lay there forever until I realized the tile I fell on was surprisingly colder than the night so I hopped up and walked it off. For the record, fine now. Only thing wounded was my pride. I'm usually very graceful. Tonight I smashed my thumb between a metal stand and the rack we store it in, my hand slipping on it because it was wet. Smashing cold wet fingers, painful. Then I jumped to unlock a door and came down abdominal region first on a massive doorknob. Lovely colorful bruise surrounding a gash. I usually don't hurt myself. The past 24 hours have been remarkably eventful in that area.
Couple nights ago I got to meet one of the original Pussycat Dolls, Carmit Bachar. Very cute. Brings me around to the other type of woman I'm attracted to. Huge smile, super fun, infecting everyone around them with a general sense that life is as good as it could possibly be at present but that it will keep getting better and better. I know very few of these type of people but when I find them they become very dear to me very quickly. I worry about to many little things and I am very critical of myself at all times, analyzing everything that I do and say and what they cause to happen around me. These people are like a black hole for this and it all just goes away while I'm with them. It's wonderful.
One more hour to go and a bunch of shit left to accomplish so off I go. Means one more hour to see how much more pain I can inflict upon myself before relief spells me and I have three days off to lick my wounds.
At least I have my laptop back to entertain me whilst licking. :) Despite the fact it keeps failing me I'll always love technology like the beaten lover who just can't bring themself to leave. We'll see how long this hard drive lasts before I fry it. And once again throwing caution to the wind and not editing ;) Oh to live so dangerously.
Over and out.
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