:)

Picture a great big dark stage. A spotlight illuminates a podium with a microphone on it. I walk out from the wings of this stage and stand in front of the podium. The air of confidence is a total front, I am deathly afraid of being in front of a crowd, especially a crowd of strangers, and here I stand about to address everyone. EVERYONE. Picture six billion chairs warmed by the backsides of every person on the planet. Every speech should start with a throat clearing, so AHEM. Tap, tap, tap and rest assured that the microphone will carry tese words that I am about to say to the ears of all these people. Then I begin.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you all because it has recently been deemed that out of everyone on the planet I am the biggest idiot. In my days I have met a fraction of a percent of you and some of you are huge idiots but rest assured I put you to shame."

That would be followed by the fake self-deprecating laugh that is actually another total front to cover up how terrified I am. But this all needs to be said so I press on.

"I took a beautiful thing that made me happy and I broke it. You there in the front row, you asked Why? Damned if I know. Its just what I do. I knew full well what the outcome would be and how awful it would make me feel and I still took the hammer to it. I could have walked away. I could have hit the brakes, stopped the car, opened the door and got out. Instead I accelerated and hit the wall as fast as possible, a huge nuclear fireball of a wreck, one of those kind that makes things disintegrate. I don't know if I'll ever know why. I think I can't be trusted with anything beautiful because I'll just drag it down into the mud with me. And the breaking of the beautiful thing was a glorious event to watch. It was the equivalent of pulling the pin on a grenade and then just staring at it in the palm of my hand until it exploded in my face. So stupid and embarrassing and pointless. Why can't I just leave well enough alone? I've tried so hard to fix myself for the past two decades and I've failed. Even more painful is that there have been a few times I thought I succeeded but it was all an elaborate ruse played on me by myself."

Here I would actually laugh, heartily, at my own expense, because I am joke. So much squandered potential.

"I am a molotov cocktail of self-destruction and good intentions. This scenario that played itself out was one of those 'only a matter of time' things. All the players involved knew it. I just floored it to the end. And it made me sad. Still makes me sad."

Here is where the tears would start to well up a bit. God knows there's been enough of those lately :)

"It is very rare that I feel truly happy. I am a happy person. I have nothing to not be happy about. Successful in work. Healthy. Intelligent. Young. Capable of anything. There is not an obstacle that can't be overcome. But truly happy? That happiness that fills you up and radiates out of you. The kind that people see in your eyes and your smile and your body language. Nope. Not here :) I can fake it here and there. But how sad is that?"

Shrugs for the audience and takes a moment to register the looks on faces in the crowd.

"I have been truly happy for the past few days and it was wonderful. I ate it up gluttonously. But it never should have happened and there was a great big ol' expiration date on it. So I pulled the plug. Nothing that ever happens in my life is clear cut. I seem to live on the fence that seperates wonderful and horrible. To feel such happiness and to know that it is kind of make believe is incredibly depressing. But then even the selfless act of pulling the plug was selfish. I didn't even back myself into a corner. I ran into the corner knowing full well it was a corner and that when I turned around there would be no escape. I pride myself on being very intelligent and then do so many stupid things. Is it just me or would other people continue on a path that they knew ended disastrously? I saw a series of events happening that ended badly and then went through the events one by one until it ended badly. It bears repeating over and over again because I still can't believe it happened."

Here I would remove the microphone from the podium and walk around to the front of the stage and hunker down. Legs dangling. Swinging back and forth like a little kid.

"I was a happy kid. (Such a superb spot for a slide show). I got broken in my teeens by a girl I loved. It was a complicated situation. I wanted to be so grown up. I had dreams and goals. I was very shy so when we started dating it was the biggest confidence boost ever. She was smart and funny and beautiful. And I was the happiest person on the planet. When she left me it was brilliant the damge she did. It was so surgical and subtle and glorious that I will never cease to be amazed by it. Something was just gone. Whatever it was I have never really put my finger on. It just left a void that nothing has ever been able to fill. And now whenever I find anything that threatens to make me happy I ruin it. And I could not be more apologetic to anyone who gets caught in my wake. You all know who you are and I never meant to hurt any of you."

"I had a dream last night that I was standing outside of the house where this whole scenario played itself out. I was in a hurry to escape but it was surrounded by a wall. As I ran around the house I realized that the wall was solid. There was no way out. There was someone chasing me whom I knew had bad intentions so I kept running until I got tired. Then I gave up. The last thing I heard before I woke up was me laughing at myself. In Catcher in the Rye Holden Caulfield says that wherever you go someone has already been there and written "Fuck you" on the wall. Somehow for me that person is me. It seems like there is a diabolical sliver of my psyche that runs ahead of the rest of me and sabotages everything I do. It is the only way I can explain knowing all of the different things that are horribly wrong with me but not being able to correct them. I am out of control."

Getting nervous now so I stand and commence with the pacing, trying to work through everything in my broken head.

"I'm the guy who hits rock bottom and then starts jackhammering. :) There is not a hole deep enough that I can crawl into right now. I am ground zero. And I am sincerely sorry for the one person out there who was unfortunately standing too close to me when the explosion happened. Such a collosal idiot."

And then I would put the microphone back and marvel on how self-aggrandizing this whole thing was :)

In all honesty, I shock myself over and over by how retarded I can be and the past two days were like a giant exclamation point. RETARDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then at the end I broke :) It was a sight to behold. The complete falling apart of barriers and safe guards and self-control. Now I get down on my knees and start picking up pieces.

Need to find scotch tape and glue :)

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the beautiful thing I ruined is salvageable ;) Time will tell.