It pretends to every so often and its pretty sweet out when it does, then I inevitably run outside in just my hoodie and get drenched when it starts pouring. The desert sucks. Then I come back in my little cave and sit in the rolling office chair and think about all the thoughts pinging around my head and which are going to be vomited out on this electronic page.
First thoughts are of complete and overwhelming happiness as my transgressions of the previous night have been forgiven and the beautiful thing I thought I broke has emerged unscratched and wonderful again. It raises a gaggle of red flags with me though because I definitely need to pay way more attention to what I do and be less of an out of control retard. I get nervous around strangers, really for no reason, I can engage and befriend anyone. I get nervous around people who are very important to me for all sorts of inferiority complex and intimacy issues (all of which are completely retarded). I get really nervous if I'm trying to process emotional things because very little upsets me emotionally. I get obsessive compulsive when I'm nervous and then rely on doing things with my hands to keep my mind occupied. At a party this means entertaining myself with a beer bottle. I arrived at 7:30pm and left somewhere between 3:30 and 4am. That's a lot of hours. I should have known better. I suck at pacing myself. And usually I launch into a weird kind of autopilot (lovingly referred to as the Irish Robot) when I drink too much. I stop talking, listen intently, drive fine and perform anything routine with precision. This night I decided to try to have an important conversation, which did not happen with any sort of precision at all. Idiocy. Error! Error! Error! But its all good now and I am overjoyed and happy and giddy and uplifted and lacking a thesaurus to come up with all the other words that mean the same thing. Big smile on my face like :D and its a happy coincidence that the smile part is made up of the D.
My other most favorite person in the world called me today from Las Vegas. Talk is usually shop with her. She is remarkably similar to me and spends all of her time working so conversations always start there. From there though they can go anywhere so talking is incredible mental exercise. Smart, funny, sarcastic and lovely. This girl bartended at the hotel I stayed at while doing a tv show in Vegas. I thought it was funny to watch all my coworkers hit on her while she worked. She thought I was funny watching all my coworkers strike out. We hit it off and ended up hanging out. This is where my mental retardation kicks in. Usually the only girls I meet are coworkers, I won't go there, not interested. Whenever a girl shows interest in me that I am interested in I start to pay extra attention to everything she does until I find something that makes me not attracted. Then I sever ties. Captain Self-Sabateur. Now I have known her for almost three years and she is the most important person in the world to me. For a while she was thinking of leaving Vegas to return to Arizona which would have meant me never being able to see her. Looks like now she's staying put. This was fantastic news. But after nearly three years of friendly lunches and dinners and movies and phone calls and living 350 miles away, I have no idea how to turn this relationship romantic. I am horrible at life. When my boss tells me I need to find a responsible girlfriend to fix all my mistakes, she is definitely this person. I wonder what the hell my parents did to me to make me so incredibly adaptive and successfully professionally and so fucking inept relationally.
These posts that require thought are not as much fun as last night's. And talking to these two always gets me thinking of why I ignore some very specific rules I live by. Why certain people I meet I never want to talk to again after a few minutes so I walk away. These two have both told me stories now that would have me running screaming from any other person but instead there was absolutely nothing. Tonight after hearing the story I paused and my friend thought I was judging her. "Do you think less of me now?" The pause was because I knew that this was that moment where the sirens should start wailing and the red lights should start flashing. There was nothing. "Not at all, there is nothing you can do that would make me think any less of you." I have never lied to this person or my friend in Vegas. Lying is a waste of time and completely disrespectful.
These people mean everything to me and scare the hell out of me.
Later she said she couldn't figure me out and I told her she didn't want to. The conversation went unfinished because I had to start working. The past few weeks have been interesting because I could tell in certain parts of my life exactly what was going to happen. Patterns emerged and played out as expected for both good and bad and everything ended ok.
That feeling went away while processing this. I have no idea what's going to happen next.
This is all I can think of now and the thoughts are too fast and incomplete and my brain is too tired to work with them :(
Bailing out. Need to finish work and then sleep.
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