For D

I stared at this white square for twenty minutes before giving up and meeting a friend of mine at her work place, the lovely D. She will become the first non-narrator character in this thread of mine, suitable as she has become the most important person to me during this four week prison sentence in Northridge, California.

I didn't know what to write about, hence the staring, so she rescued me by requesting I write about the ins and outs of the trip to Maine. It is a good topic that I will hardly do justice to.

The past four weeks have very much been like a prison sentence, Maine will be like four more weeks of solitary confinement. My family lives on a tiny island off the coast and I will probably never leave it. Life will consist of exercise in the morning, painting a massive house during the day and writing during the evenings. It will be regimented strictly by me, my family will probably think I'm crazy but I have a specific goal in mind. I used to have an incredible inferiority complex, felt like I had zero self worth. After a number of years of thought and interaction I realized that was foolish, I was being a complete retard. It has recently dawned on me that when you're young, beautiful and intelligent there is nothing outside the realm of possibility.

The goal of the trip is to cement this change of thought. This kind of paradigm shift has happened four times now. The first two were very negative, caused by having my heart broken and resulting in me retreating into myself, closing off. The second two were positive, caused by meeting amazing people who opened my eyes and showed me that I was an amazing person. I will not look back. I have always hidden, not any more. If my body is my temple, the temple I have dwealt in for the past 16 years will be raized. Over the next month I will rebuild it, twice as beautiful and glorious. There are no more boundaries.

The trip will be incredibly difficult. Since I moved away from Maine permanently at age 21 I have not returned for more than five days at a time. The state depresses me. There is nothing to do there. Trips home would result in nothing but thinking time, and that was horrible. Unhindered dwelling on how things were not how I wanted them to be. There will be no more of that. The first 18 years of my life were spent trying to escape the state because it was a dead end, a stagnant place, an oblivion. I often wonder what life would be like if I had stayed. It is impossible to tell how miserable I'd be. Most likely I'd have a kid or two, a wife that I was growing to loathe, the same group of close friends I maintain contact with to this day but they would be my safety net, the people who I bitched to about how miserable I was. And I would just ride out my time. But I did escape. And in escaping saw that the world was my oyster.

How beautiful is it to realize that you are capable of doing anything you desire and having whatever you want? Words will never be able to describe it.

As for D. I cannot thank you enough, nor will I ever be able to. You were the most perfect person standing in the right place at the exact right time. You are an angel. She reads this now and I hope she breaks out into a brilliant smile, knowing that I am forever grateful. I adore every second we have together because you are amazing, despite how hampered those seconds are by the restrictions of our situation. Anyone else wouldn't be worth the hassle, you are.

My mind's been too preoccupied lately to memorize a poem properly like you won but have faith that this is from memory and appropriate:

There was a lady, sweet and kind,
Was never a face so pleased my mind,
I did but see her passing by,
And now I love her 'til I die.

I'll have the Shakespeare recitation ready for you when I return.